I have spent my whole life, trying to meet your expectations, make you happy, and protect you. I have set myself on fire, over and over just to keep you warm. You’ve failed me.
You failed me when you lied to me for 40 years about who my real biological father is. You deprived me of ever knowing him, ever knowing one of my siblings, and most importantly - of knowing myself. You raised me to feel broken, to inherently shameful, and I felt lost. I always knew something didn’t fit.
I didn’t fit.
You never taught me how to say no. As a sophomore in high school, I people pleased my way into the first time I was raped. I almost drowned in the shame. The second person who raped me had me convinced my only shred of self-worth came from being his girlfriend. Even though I was a junior in high school, I was abused by him on school grounds, at home and nowhere was safe. Mom, you told me I was broken when I was suicidal. You told me I was a burden when I asked to go to inpatient treatment for depression. I lived for years believing all of this was my fault. If only I’ve been more thoughtful of how my depression and experience with rape and abuse as a teenager impacted my family.
Next month will be the two year anniversary of the day I got my DNA results from the test I did for fun. My world shattered that day, but in these years, I have learned for the first time that I am not broken.
-Anonymous
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